I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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