Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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