Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
