I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
