1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
