he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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