he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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