The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
