How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize