Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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