I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
