i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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