but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
