I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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