did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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