You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
