Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you didnt know i had herpes?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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