I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
