nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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