Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
