I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
