My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
