Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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