i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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