I'm eating all of the evidence.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize