i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
