i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
