He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
