Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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