did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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