Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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