My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
