you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
