I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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