Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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