I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
