never play flip cup with pint glasses
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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