Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she peed on how many people?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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