you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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