high people should be assigned attendants
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
