It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
