So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
