Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
