1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
