guys are not supposed to queef...right?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
