I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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