i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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