I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this just has baby written all over it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
