cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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