i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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