go do what you do best...puke behind churches
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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