She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
