So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
