Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
