NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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