The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
