Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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