I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
