I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he shaved USA in his pubs
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize