why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
