He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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