Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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