You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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