Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
