Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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