Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
