Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
